My kid is going to be cooler than your kid.

"Melissa, I think if you had a kid, he would be just like this."

Eatin' sand and takin' names.
If when I have a kid he's even HALF this cool, I'm pretty sure I've succeeded in life. No questions asked.

Quotes from my boss.

Coworker: "Where's Djibouti?"
           Phil: "It's on tha back-a yo' chair!"

"Melissa, can I lick your bowl?"
     (In reference to the dishing bowl in which there had been a dessert.)

Me: "...so we're searching for 'business women attire.'"
           Phil: "Uhh... careful when you search 'business women.'"
Me: "Why?"
           Phil: "...Business women is another name for a HOOKER."
Me: "Well, I haven't seen any hookers, but I have seen (as I pointed to a picture of a farmer standing next to a pile of watermelons,) some large watermelons!"
           Phil: "...that's exactly what we're trying to avoid!"


On another note, the counselors in my office have figured out that if they push my computer monitor all the way down, that it latches and I have to move everything and use all my strength to unlatch it and put it back to normal.
...and they think it's hilarious.

Silly counselors. You know I don't go down without a fight.

                                                         This. Means. War.

Remember that one time, when I sucked at this?

Yeah. Me too. That nonsense is stopping immediately.



Also, remember when these pictures were the coolest things to have as a middle schooler desperate for social acceptance? You'd see them on t-shirts and backpacks and school supplies, and you most likely bought some of them as stickers from those cool quarter machines at the grocery store. But then you'd be pissed when your sticker said something dumb because hello, you wanted the hot pink one that said "cute but psycho" since it was the coolest one to have. But no, Dad won't give you another quarter. Thanks Dad, I'm gonna be shunned at school tomorrow... yet again.

It's okay, you'll still have one friend. Y'know, the one you're going to give your crappy sticker to, in an effort to make them think that you thought of them when you went and spent your (Dad's) last quarter on a lame sticker.

They'll say thanks and act like they appreciate it, but they did the same thing to you last week. Gotta love friendship as a 13 year old.

I Left My Heart in Fourth Grade.

I have so much to write. SO much. But I have no time at the moment. Just wanted to share a quick story.

I'm in love with teaching Fourth Grade. In LOVE with it. Tomorrow is the last day, and I'm almost in tears thinking about it.

Tomorrow my teaching partner and I are going to be receiving notes from our class that they wrote to us to say thank you and goodbye and whatnot. One student in particular couldn't wait until tomorrow to give me his note.

About this student: Long story short, we were informed that principals, teachers, etc. were aware of the behavior of this student. My mentor teacher informed us that she couldn't get this child to do a single thing. He was misbehaved and a bully. So, we tried the "teacher tricks" that we're taught in our classes to try to get him to behave as he should-- proximity, positive reinforcement of him and his peers, etc. After a couple of days, I was giving him another compliment and he said "Look. I know what you're doing. I know how adults work. I know that you come stand by me when you want me doing my work. I know that you compliment others when you want me to be doing that same thing. I know that you compliment me when you want me to feel good about myself. I know your teacher tricks. I know how you adults work. It's NOT going to work on me." I sat there, speechless. WHAT do you even say to that??

The next day, we revamped our strategy. He wanted to be treated as an equal, not talked down to. He could tell when we genuinely cared about him, and when we were giving him empty reinforcement. He wanted to be truly loved. So, that's what we did. Over the next couple of weeks, we could not BELIEVE the changes he was making. He was quiet. He was on task. He was nice to us and wasn't causing problems with others. My mentor teacher could NOT believe how much different he was. It was incredible.

He gave me his card today. It was in the shape of a paper airplane, per usual of this student. On the front, it had things like "Your Awesome!" and "You ROCK!" Inside, he had drawn a picture of me, smiling. A spitting image, I must say. It then said Dear Miss D, Thanks for teaching us this year. Especially playing football with us. I hope you come here to teach sense your awesome. Oh ya, and your WAY the nicest and funniest teacher ever. Your the best and Number 1 teacher out of all the teachers that have ever come into my life."

...

Seriously, I'm not even an emotional person, but I can't believe how much that little note touched my heart so deeply. This child, who hated school, hated learning and hated teachers, but who is an INCREDIBLY bright and sweet little boy, had had a change of heart.

I know I'm doing the right thing with my life.

Green Beans.

Scenario: I'm sitting at the table for dinner, eating a bowl of canned green beans. And nothing else. My roommate walks in.

Her: Oh my GOSH! Do you need some food?? I have some food if you need some!

Me: Uh, I have plenty of food... but thanks though!

Her: Then, why are you eating just a can of green beans for dinner??

Me: Oh, haha, I just really really like green beans.


Growing up, we never really ate canned green beans. It wasn't until this past year that I really tried canned green beans on my own, and oh. my. gosh. Whodathunk they'd be so dang delicious!!! I mean really, who craves green beans? I do, that's who.

Kids and marriage.

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7!

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


Is it better to be single or married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10


I concur.

Third World Country Children Cry When You Don't Wash Your Hands.

I try to be a pretty understanding person. I'll even go as far as to say that I'm empathetic and have the ability to put myself in someone else's shoes.

But I'm telling you right now that if you don't wash your hands after using the restroom, I will be going no where near your shoes.


Girl checking yourself out in the mirror, if you're in a public restroom, at least pretend you're washing your hands to give me some peace of mind. And to make yourself not look completely disgusting as you run your grimy hands through that pretty hair of yours.


It's sanitary. It's socially acceptable. Embrace it.